The Path I Was Unprepared For

This entry is difficult for me to write, it's a reason why I have never been happy in a job and probably never will be. I've been told that I should get over it and move on, but it's difficult and to be honest, impossible for me to do so.

Since I was in secondary school I had made a decision that I wanted to be part of the British military. I joined the Air Training Corps when I was 14, unfortunately the squadron I was in wasn't very big and activities were limited so I eventually left.
Before my GCSE's I decided that I was going to join the Royal Marine Commandos. I requested information packs and filled in forms showing my interest, I even had a phone call from their recruitment office asking about my plans when I turned 16. I had to think, but I decided I was going to stay on at school and complete my A Levels, so I would contact them again when I had completed them.

During my A Levels, which I focused on computing, I changed my decision about joining the Royal Marines, instead I would join the British Army, use my computing knowledge and get a trade. That's what I would do when I left school.
So my A Levels came along, and like everyone else in the year I filled in my UCAS form about going to university. I picked a fairly local one, got a conditional offer and was pleased about that, but I had no intention of going, I was going to enlist when I got my results from my A Levels.

Between the time of sitting my exams and getting the results I had several talks with my family. My parents are divorced had each had partners. At this time my father was the only person who was not against me joining the Army. My dad's partner at the time advocated university, as did my mum and her partner. My mum was against me joining the army, thinking I would be cannon fodder. Now here is the worst mistake I ever made, I listened to them and decided not to join the army.

I passed my exams, got a B in computing and was excepted into university. Computer Studies BSc was my subject of choice, and I set in for a 4 year course. I passed my first year and got started on my second, I then decided I was going to join the Territorial Army, that way I could continue with my studies.


I went to my local TA centre, applied and on the 20th April 2004 I pledged my allegiance to Queen and Country and became Gunner Faulkner. I was part of something. For the next few months I took part in everything I could, I went on every training night and weekend, if the Regiment went on manoeuvres I volunteered to go, I ever got to go to France for some training. They taught me to fire a rifle, they caught me fieldcraft, they taught me how to be a soldier.
I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it more than university, so my studies got left behind. I didn't turn up for my exams when they came around, instead I had made the decision to join the 'regs', The British Army, full-time. I wanted to go to Iraq or Afghanistan. I wanted to be deployed, I wanted to be out there with the other men and women that chose to defend this country. I wanted to do something with my life.
I went to the army recruitment centre and filled in the paper work, completed the BARB (British Army Recruitment Battery) test and told them I didn't want to be an officer. My scores were impressive and I was told I could take any career path I wanted. The sergeant suggested Military Intelligence or Signals, I'd had my eye on Signals, I wanted to be an Area Systems Operator, be one of the first on the ground, setting up the communications. That's what I wanted to do. That's what I chose to do.

So time went on, I was still attending the TA whenever I could and was just about to set off on my 2 weeks training at Lichfield when the unthinkable happened. I received a letter from the army saying that in my medical records I had been diagnosed with Osteochondritis dissecans, I had problems with cracking, and flaking of the cartilage in my left knee. I had completely forgotten about the condition as it was no longer causing me problems, and as such I forgot to declare it in my application to join the TA. Somehow when I joined the TA it never came up, but on applying for the regs it was noticed. As I had this condition it was determined that I was unfit for military service, in the TA or the regs and I was to be medically discharged.

To be fair to my regiment they didn't want me to go, they tried to keep me in greens. I had performed better physically then the majority of the people I was going through training with. I was sent of my 2 week training course, hopefully on passing the course I could stay in.
So I went, managed all of the physical test with no problems, performed with excellent skill with the rifle and survived the gas chamber.



Unfortunately my training took place in November, the ground was hard and icy and we had to crawl over it. My knee became inflamed and had several cuts on it. I could still walk on it, it didn't hinder me in any way but I was still ordered to see the nurse. Due to me having OCD she wouldn't let me continue and I was returned to my unit. My military career was over. I spoke with one of the captains on my return, they would sort out my discharge, I could come by and see mates I had made, but no more training. I was going to become a civilian.

I never wanted to anything else except fight for my country, I intended to do 22 years service. I wanted to be part of the best military force in the world. But that was taken from me, and that I have never really been able to live with.

If I hadn't listened to the people who convinced me to go to university I would never had been diagnosed with osteochondritis dissecans, I wouldn't have had any problems with my medical records and I would still be a soldier of The British Army. If I had been diagnosed will in the army it's possible that my medical status would have been altered, I might have had to sit behind a desk, but I would have still been in uniform.

At times I envy the men and women who serve our country, but at the same time I have a massive amount of respect for them. They put themselves in harms way to defend the freedoms we have grown to love and take for granted in this country. And it saddens me to see people displaying hatred towards those men and women.

Remember they volunteer to fight so you don't have to!



Not a day goes by where I don't wish I could still be in the army. True I may not have met the people I know now, but then again, I may have.

A final word, if you want to do something you love, do it. Don't listen to people who think you should do something else because it earns you more money or because you're good at it. I made that mistake, and it was the biggest one I ever made.

Sleep is Not for the Weak

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get enough sleep to see me through the day. A symptom of my depression is my inability to sleep, I have difficultly dropping off to sleep, or if I do sleep it's a disturbed sleep, waking up every hour or so. When my alarm then goes off I want to throw it at the wall and just remain where I am. It's not a good way to start a day, needing to sleep.

I give myself 15 minutes from the time my alarm goes off to having to leave the house of work, otherwise I will be late and have to suffer the wrath of the managers. I do this to try and get in as much rest as I possibly can. On the downside it means I have to get my backside out of the bed as soon as that damn alarm chimes.
I don't feel myself falling asleep when driving or doing other work, it's just the constant lack of energy and the want to just lie down and try and sleep.



When out in the truck I use my break to attempt to catch up on sleep. One major downside to this is that the bunk in the cab is right next to the motor for the fridge on the trailer. It's like trying to sleep with some running a petrol lawnmower in your bedroom. It's difficult and for me usually impossible.

I hope one night I will fall asleep and wake up having had the sleep I need, feeling fantastic and wanting to get up and get out there. For the time being I'm just going to have to struggle on, until one day I run out of energy and snap (it's happened before), your mind does some strange things when you're exhausted, but that's another blog.

I'm now off to have an argument with the sandman, see if he can do his job. Unlikely.

Difficult to Work

My light duties today involved cleaning the inside of trucks. A task I hate doing, I can't even clean my own car. What makes this task worse is that the only equipment I've been given to clean the cab is blue roll and cockpit shine. No brush, no D10 (which ran out) and no whatever else is needed to clean a cab.



As there is very little equipment, plus the fact I hate cleaning vehicles (which are mostly clean anyway), I find it very difficult to get motivated to do the task.
If you've ever suffered with depression you will know that it is incredibly difficult to gather the motivation together to do the simplest of jobs. I have a very short attention span, and if it doesn't interest me there is very little hope of me sticking at it for long. Couple my attention span with my current diagnosis the want for me to sit in a truck and clean it is pretty non-existent.

I need something to challenge me, to interest me and to use my brain so I am not left staring into space. Hopefully tomorrow I will be out on the road and making deliveries, doing physical work that will keep me occupied and take my mind off my situation, temporarily at least.

Opening Up

So it was suggested to me that I start blogging to open up and get my feelings off my chest. I'm currently suffering with depression, this is the second time I have been diagnosed with it and I don't wish it upon anyone.

I am returning to work after 2 months off and even though I'm on light duties it's not picnic. Each day is a struggle and I find it difficult to try and keep myself busy.
I do have a friend that keeps me company and gives me comfort, and even though many of you may think I am sad and feel the need to make fun I truly do not care, for my friend is actually HM Armed Forces action figure by the name of Gunner Faulkner.


As well as Gnr Faulkner I also have my girlfriend, she's had to deal with me being a miserable git at times and go through some really strange moods, but she has been there for me, she will listen to my rants at inanimate objects and to people that annoy me (which is unfortunately quite a lot).

Well I'm having a bad day at the moment and my mind has gone blank, so not sure what else to write. Even though I am sure not many people will read this, I hope I can use this blog to vent my feelings and frustrations, and any other topic that I may want to blog about.